Resist The Devil He Will Flea
Today’s Sermon: "Resist the Devil and He Will Flea"
Every Christian preacher or musician needs to have so many Jesus’s spoken or sung in every paragraph, or every bar or two of music. Just so people don’t get worried and think they’re listening to ungodly music or reading an ungodly book. One that may have cuss words or titties in them that can corrupt the mind and soul. A stray “Damn!” or a misplaced jug or two can be deadly when it comes to youthful minds.
Aged ones, too.
Yes, there is no time when a man is safe from titties, unless, of course, they’re his wife’s. A girlfriend’s simply won’t do. The next thing you know, you’ll be hanging around sex emporiums like some kind of lustful tick, looking to attach itself to a mangy dog. Meaning you’ll be filled with blood, just ready to explode.
That is sin, my friends. Better to do away with the offending appendage by slicing off thine wiener. To live without a wiener is but a moment in time, compared to an eternity in hell, which is precisely where a loving God is going to send you, where you’ll burn without reprieve for a billion, billion years! And that’ll only be the beginning.
Let me stress, this is true even if you’ve never touched the one-eyed-trouser-snake in a pleasurable fashion. You only had to think about it for a second. A tenth of second will be too much. A titty could pass by at the speed light and that would be enough to cause you to burn for eternity.
"Yes, that is the kind of loving God we serve!"
Now that I think about it, he loves you so much you’ll roast you in hell for just being born. Forget titties! That’s because you were born a sinner and need to be saved by grace. God’s free gift.
This gift is so free that if you try to do good works—so you don’t go to hell—that’ll get you a sure ticket to Satan’s fiery furnace. Because, then, his free gift of salvation wouldn’t be free. You’d have earned it. And you can’t earn it. So don’t try. Because nothing makes God madder than when you try to put one over on him by helping an old lady cross the street thinking he don’t know better—about what you’re up to—with them good works and all.
Yes, my brethren, it’s this easy; don’t sin, but don’t try and be good, neither. Just say the magic words about Jesus, and believe em in your heart. And when you die, you’ll go to heaven and live in a golden mansion up in the sky.
You don’t want to be like all them heathen people who never believed in Jesus, who’ll be toastin’ for a billion, trillion years. Do you?
That’s why it’s so important to have plenty of Jesus’s and praise the Lord’s in everything you write or sing. And, remember, just because you have a lot of Jesus’s in every song or sermon, don’t mean squat, neither.
So, just repeat after me; I am worthless scum who should be killed over and over again, but God loved me instead.
If this seems confusing, it’s only because God confounds the mind of people who try and use their minds for thinkin’.
I hope this clarifies things for you, just what’ at stake. So get on the right track, but don’t think that being on the right track matters. Cause it don’t…..I’m just sayin’.
The Rev. Festus Boonswaggle
Every Christian preacher or musician needs to have so many Jesus’s spoken or sung in every paragraph, or every bar or two of music. Just so people don’t get worried and think they’re listening to ungodly music or reading an ungodly book. One that may have cuss words or titties in them that can corrupt the mind and soul. A stray “Damn!” or a misplaced jug or two can be deadly when it comes to youthful minds.
Aged ones, too.
Yes, there is no time when a man is safe from titties, unless, of course, they’re his wife’s. A girlfriend’s simply won’t do. The next thing you know, you’ll be hanging around sex emporiums like some kind of lustful tick, looking to attach itself to a mangy dog. Meaning you’ll be filled with blood, just ready to explode.
That is sin, my friends. Better to do away with the offending appendage by slicing off thine wiener. To live without a wiener is but a moment in time, compared to an eternity in hell, which is precisely where a loving God is going to send you, where you’ll burn without reprieve for a billion, billion years! And that’ll only be the beginning.
Let me stress, this is true even if you’ve never touched the one-eyed-trouser-snake in a pleasurable fashion. You only had to think about it for a second. A tenth of second will be too much. A titty could pass by at the speed light and that would be enough to cause you to burn for eternity.
"Yes, that is the kind of loving God we serve!"
Now that I think about it, he loves you so much you’ll roast you in hell for just being born. Forget titties! That’s because you were born a sinner and need to be saved by grace. God’s free gift.
This gift is so free that if you try to do good works—so you don’t go to hell—that’ll get you a sure ticket to Satan’s fiery furnace. Because, then, his free gift of salvation wouldn’t be free. You’d have earned it. And you can’t earn it. So don’t try. Because nothing makes God madder than when you try to put one over on him by helping an old lady cross the street thinking he don’t know better—about what you’re up to—with them good works and all.
Yes, my brethren, it’s this easy; don’t sin, but don’t try and be good, neither. Just say the magic words about Jesus, and believe em in your heart. And when you die, you’ll go to heaven and live in a golden mansion up in the sky.
You don’t want to be like all them heathen people who never believed in Jesus, who’ll be toastin’ for a billion, trillion years. Do you?
That’s why it’s so important to have plenty of Jesus’s and praise the Lord’s in everything you write or sing. And, remember, just because you have a lot of Jesus’s in every song or sermon, don’t mean squat, neither.
So, just repeat after me; I am worthless scum who should be killed over and over again, but God loved me instead.
If this seems confusing, it’s only because God confounds the mind of people who try and use their minds for thinkin’.
I hope this clarifies things for you, just what’ at stake. So get on the right track, but don’t think that being on the right track matters. Cause it don’t…..I’m just sayin’.
The Rev. Festus Boonswaggle